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Free Cokie part 7 - Special Report

We interrupt our current broadcast to bring you a special report. Cokie Bear, who has been held captive since February, has been rescued by the Furry Troops. We take you now to a press conference at Ramstein Air Base, Germany, already in progress.

[Press room, Ramstein Air Base, Germany]

Donald Rumsfeld

[Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld] ... shall make a brief statement, followed by an unclassified briefing by the field officers in charge of Operation Ursal Fury.

Operation Ursal Fury was authorized by the President in February when Ms. Bear was abducted. From the start it was strictly designed as a rescue operation, with the full support and advice of our allies and with Iraqi forces. U.S. and Iraqi intelligence assets obtained crucial information within the past few weeks, enough to activate Ursal Fury. Part of my visit to Baghdad was to oversee Ursal Fury; however tactical control of the operation was strictly with the Furry Troops.

We are all very pleased with the rescue of Ms. Bear and the safety of our troops. It is an indication of the growing strength and abilities of the Iraqi military, without whose help the operation could not have succeeded. I'll turn over the rest of this briefing to Snip the Cat.

Snip the Cat

[Snip] Thank you Mr. Secretary.

Most of the intelligence relating to the rescue of Cokie must remain classified; however I can say that the breakthrough came when Baathist terrorists were promising to open a polar bear exhibit in the Baghdad Zoo - this led to pinpointing the location where she was being held.

The bunker in which she was being held was bombarded by massive, but non-lethal, caches of hard nuts. We minimized drawing from existing Allied caches of hard nuts by relying on caches donated by a group from Barrington, NJ, known as "the Wild Bunch." Furry Troop armor next plowed through the bunker fences, and Furry Troop Psy-Ops deployed disguised polar bears as a feint.

In the confusion I was able to infiltrate the bunker and locate Cokie. The exfiltration was trouble-free, and we were all able to evacuate the operation zone safely. Felled trees and other obstructions kept the op-for at bay while we made it to the evac zone.

After reaching Baghdad Air Base, we flew here to Ramstein to tend to Cokie's medical needs. Although she suffered from slight malnutrition and dehydration, Cokie is otherwise doing very well medically and will soon be returning to the U.S.

I can take your questions now.

[CNN reporter] We have heard unconfirmed reports that Cokie Bear in fact was the cause of a power outage during the rescue operation, and in fact she was instrumental in her own rescue. Can you confirm?

[Snip] Details of the operation must remain classified, but yes, I can confirm Cokie was indeed instrumental in her own rescue. I don't think I am revealing anything crucial when I tell you what I saw when I first found her in the bunker: I was expecting to find a bound and blindfolded hostage, as we've seen too many times in the past; what I did find was Cokie standing on top of and growling at two guards. She saw me and said, "So, why didn't Boris show up?" I told her my skills with stealth and night vision made me the choice for infiltrating the bunker, and suggested since she didn't need to be rescued, I'd just as soon abort the mission. Cokie replied, "Well don't do that, I've been waiting long enough for you guys to show up, make yourself useful and take me to him!" (Laughter) Next question?

[Reuters reporter] We are aware of the relationship between Boris Bear and Cokie Bear, and we are all relieved the rescue operation succeeded, but in retrospect was it wise to have the commander of the operation emotionally tied to the hostage?

[Snip] I think nobody else was better qualified - it was Boris who convinced the President to authorize Operation Ursal Fury, it was Boris who rallied the Furry Troops, the Barrington Wild Bunch, and Allied and Iraqi forces to the operation. And I am proud to have served under him.

[Reuters reporter] So where is Boris now?

[Snip] It should be noted that Boris is a reserve officer and not on active duty; to answer your question he's at the base hospital at Cokie's side.

[Geraldo Rivera] Have next of kin been notified?

[Snip] We've kept her family briefed, mostly through her father Konan and her brother Kola. The President has personally informed the family of the operation's success, and I believe her brother is on the way to Germany.

[Geraldo Rivera] Is the President hoping for a bounce in the polls from the rescue operation?

Donald Rumsfeld

[DoD Sec'y Rumsfeld] What kind of dumb-ass question is that?? The Furry Troops risked their lives to rescue an American. It was a success. No casualties. That's the news story here. That's what the President was hoping for. Thank you all for coming.